AI MLB Selections for June 23, 2024

Posted on June 23, 2024 by DDS

Arizona at Philadelphia (11:35 AM)

Philadelphia (-215) has a clear edge with a Bet Rating of 0.96 and a high win rate of .658, supported by a positive run margin of +1.5. Their starting pitcher, Cristopher Sanchez, boasts an impressive ERA of 2.79, which further strengthens their position. The fair line for Philadelphia is 109, although the value percentage is negative at -57%. Arizona, despite having a slightly lower Bet Rating of 1.05 and a negative win rate of .494, features a starting pitcher, Slade Cecconi, with a higher ERA of 5.36. Given Philadelphia’s strong overall metrics, superior ERA, and favorable home-field advantage, they present a compelling option.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Philadelphia (-215) on the money line.

San Francisco at St. Louis (2:15 PM)

St. Louis (-121) enters this game with a marginally better win rate of .507 and a run margin of -0.4. Starting pitcher Sonny Gray’s ERA is an impressive 2.95, indicating strong pitching performance. San Francisco (+106), on the other hand, has a slightly lower win rate of .468 and a run margin of -0.4. Logan Webb’s ERA is also commendable at 2.99, but the team’s overall metrics are less favorable. Despite playing away, the overall advantage leans slightly towards St. Louis due to their win rate and starting pitcher’s performance.

SUGGESTED WAGER: St. Louis (-121) on the money line.

NY Mets at Chicago Cubs (7:00 PM)

The Chicago Cubs (-112) and NY Mets (-104) are evenly matched with almost identical win rates (.481 for the Cubs and .480 for the Mets). The Cubs have a slight edge in Bet Rating at 1.06 compared to the Mets’ 1.04. The starting pitchers show a bit of disparity: Javier Assad for the Cubs has a stellar ERA of 2.75, while Luis Severino for the Mets has an ERA of 3.84. Given the Cubs’ slight edge in pitching and playing at home, they might have a minor advantage.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Pass, as the game is too close to call.

Washington at Colorado (3:10 PM)

Washington (-125) has a near .500 win rate (.487) and a run margin of -0.1. Their starting pitcher, Jake Irvin, has a solid ERA of 3.24. However, Colorado (+115) struggles with a win rate of .351 and a significant negative run margin of -1.6. Kyle Freeland’s ERA of 13.22 is a major liability. Despite being the away team, Washington’s overall better performance metrics and Irvin’s reliable ERA make them a favorable pick.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Washington (-125) on the money line.

Milwaukee at San Diego (4:10 PM)

Milwaukee (+120) has a superior win rate of .571 and a positive run margin of +0.8. Their starting pitcher, Tyson Myers, has an ERA of 3.33. San Diego (-134), with a win rate of .506 and a run margin of +0.2, has starting pitcher Mike King with an ERA of 3.31. Both teams have comparable Bet Ratings and fair lines, but Milwaukee’s higher win rate and Myers’ performance give them a slight edge.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Milwaukee (+120) on the money line.

Chicago White Sox at Detroit (1:40 PM)

Detroit (-178) has a higher win rate of .461 compared to the White Sox’s .269. The run margin also favors Detroit at -0.2. Starting pitcher Reese Olson has an ERA of 3.39, while Jesse Cannon for the White Sox has an ERA of 3.68. Despite Detroit’s better overall metrics, the high odds make this game less attractive for betting.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Pass due to high odds on Detroit.

Toronto at Cleveland (1:40 PM)

Cleveland (-112) boasts a win rate of .649 and a run margin of +1.4. Triston McKenzie’s ERA is 4.48. Toronto (-102), with a win rate of .461 and a run margin of -0.6, has Yusei Kikuchi pitching with an ERA of 3.65. Cleveland’s superior win rate and positive run margin make them the preferred choice.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Cleveland (-112) on the money line.

Baltimore at Houston (2:10 PM)

Houston (-125) has a win rate of .481 and a run margin of +0.2. Framber Valdez’s ERA is 4.50. Baltimore (+108), with a win rate of .645 and a run margin of +1.6, has a starting pitcher, Albert Suarez, with an ERA of 2.35. Baltimore’s superior win rate and better pitching stats make them a compelling choice despite being the away team.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Baltimore (+108) on the money line.

Kansas City at Texas (2:35 PM)

Kansas City (+135) has a win rate of .538 and a run margin of +0.6. Alec Marsh’s ERA is 4.37. Texas (-146), with a win rate of .474 and a run margin of -0.1, has Max Scherzer, whose ERA is not listed. Despite Texas being the home team, Kansas City’s better metrics and Marsh’s decent ERA give them an edge.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Kansas City (+135) on the money line.

Minnesota at Oakland (4:07 PM)

Minnesota (-177) has a win rate of .545 and a run margin of +0.3. Pablo Lopez’s ERA is high at 5.63. Oakland (+150), with a win rate of .367 and a run margin of -1.2, has Hunter Harris with a stellar ERA of 1.66. Despite Minnesota’s higher win rate, Harris’s superior ERA makes Oakland an interesting pick.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Pass due to high odds and mixed metrics.

Atlanta at NY Yankees (1:35 PM)

The NY Yankees (-105) have a high win rate of .658 and a run margin of +1.4. Nestor Cortes has an ERA of 3.36. Atlanta (-105), with a win rate of .568 and a run margin of +0.6, has Max Fried pitching with an ERA of 3.11. The metrics are closely matched, making this game difficult to call.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Pass due to closely matched metrics.

Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (1:40 PM)

Pittsburgh (-160) has a win rate of .487 and a run margin of -0.4. Paul Skenes’s ERA is an impressive 2.29. Tampa Bay (+145), with a win rate of .481 and a run margin of -0.8, has Aaron Civale with an ERA of 5.42. Despite being the away team, Pittsburgh’s better pitching gives them an edge.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Pittsburgh (-160) on the money line.

Boston at Cincinnati (1:40 PM)

Cincinnati (-160) has a win rate of .474 and a run margin of +0.2. Nick Lodolo’s ERA is 2.76. Boston (+140), with a win rate of .532 and a run margin of +0.6, has Zach Kelly with a yet-to-be-determined ERA. Boston’s better overall metrics and higher win rate make them a favorable pick.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Boston (+140) on the money line.

Seattle at Miami (1:40 PM)

Seattle (-170) has a win rate of .570 and a run margin of +0.2. Bryce Miller’s ERA is 3.46. Miami (+146), with a win rate of .342 and a run margin of -1.6, has a starting pitcher whose ERA is not listed. Seattle’s superior overall metrics and better pitching performance make them the preferred choice.

SUGGESTED WAGER: Seattle (-170) on the money line.

Sports Betting

AI MLB Selections for June 22, 2024

Posted on June 22, 2024 by DDS

Featured Game:

The Baltimore Orioles take on the Houston Astros at 4:10 PM. Baltimore enters this game with a Bet Rating of 0.93, a robust win rate of .653, and a strong run margin of +1.6. Their ace, Corbin Burnes, who has an impressive ERA of 2.23, will start. The odds on the Orioles are set at -142, with a value percentage of -43%. On the other hand, Houston features a Bet Rating of 1.16, a win rate of .474, and a modest run margin of +0.1.

Baltimore at Houston (4:10 PM)

Though the Astros’ pitching options are thin, Ronel Blanco, their starter, boasts a solid ERA of 2.43. The line on Houston is +130, with a value edge of 62%. Despite being significant underdogs, the Astros are a 4-star play on the money line, indicating a high confidence in their potential to outperform expectations.

Key Statistics and Evaluation

Baltimore Orioles

Bet Rating: 0.93
Win Rate: .653
Run Margin: +1.6
Starting Pitcher (Corbin Burnes): ERA 2.23
Value: -43%

The Orioles have been on a hot streak, winning 10 of their last 14 games and showing exceptional performance on the road with a 12-4 record in their last 16 away games. Burnes, leading the American League in ERA, has consistently delivered strong performances, despite a previous rough outing against the Astros. Baltimore’s high win rate and positive run margin further reinforce the team’s strength.

Houston Astros

Bet Rating: 1.16
Win Rate: .474
Run Margin: +0.1
Starting Pitcher (Ronel Blanco): ERA 2.43
Value: 62%

The Astros have faced significant challenges with their pitching rotation due to injuries. Despite this, Blanco has emerged as a reliable starter, recently flirting with a no-hitter and maintaining an impressive ERA. His recent form has been stellar, with a 0.69 ERA in his last two starts, positioning him as a critical factor in this game. The Astros’ recent home performance has been strong, and their betting value percentage suggests potential undervaluation by bookmakers.

Conclusion and Recommendation

Given Baltimore’s overall strength and Burnes’ consistent performance, they appear to have the upper hand in this matchup. A bet on Houston on the money line is advised for those seeking value and willing to take on some risk.

San Francisco at St. Louis (2:15 PM)

In this matchup, San Francisco features a Bet Rating of 1.07 and a win rate of .474. They have a run margin of -0.4, and their starting pitcher, J. Hicks, boasts an ERA of 2.82. The fair line for San Francisco stands at -104 with a value of 2%. St. Louis, with a win rate of .500, has a Bet Rating of 1.02, a run margin of -0.5, and starting pitcher M. Mikolas has an ERA of 4.59. Their fair line is -110, with a negative value of -14%. Despite San Francisco’s superior pitching, the overall metrics slightly favor St. Louis. Given the lack of strong betting indicators, this game is a pass.

NY Mets at Chicago Cubs (2:20 PM)

The NY Mets have a Bet Rating of 1.04 and a win rate of .486, coupled with a neutral run margin of 0.0. Their starting pitcher, T. Megill, has an ERA of 3.23. The fair line for the Mets is -106, with a value of -8%. The Chicago Cubs, with a win rate of .474, show a Bet Rating of 1.06, a run margin of -0.3, and J. Taillon as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 3.08. The Cubs’ fair line is -105, and their value is -3%. Both teams are fairly matched, but given the metrics and slight edge in pitching, a bet on the Mets is recommended.

Arizona at Philadelphia (4:05 PM)

Arizona presents a Bet Rating of 1.05, a win rate of .500, and a positive run margin of 0.1. Their starting pitcher, T. Henry, has an ERA of 5.40. Arizona’s fair line is 215, with a substantial value of 133%. Philadelphia, with a win rate of .653, has a Bet Rating of 0.96, a positive run margin of 1.3, and starting pitcher Z. Wheeler with an ERA of 2.84. Philadelphia’s fair line is -245 with a negative value of -62%. Despite Philadelphia’s stronger overall metrics, Arizona’s high-value percentage makes this an attractive bet on the run line.

Milwaukee at San Diego (7:15 PM)

Milwaukee comes into this game with a Bet Rating of 0.94 and a win rate of .579. They have a run margin of 0.8, and their starting pitcher, C. Rodriguez, holds an ERA of 6.47. The fair line for Milwaukee is -104, with a value of -13%. San Diego, with a win rate of .500, has a Bet Rating of 1.04, a run margin of 0.2, and R. Vasquez as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 5.69. San Diego’s fair line is -108, with a value of 2%. Given San Diego’s automatic selection and balanced metrics, a bet on the game money line for San Diego is advised.

Washington at Colorado (9:10 PM)

Washington displays a Bet Rating of 0.90, a win rate of .493, and a run margin of -0.1. Their starting pitcher, M. Parker, has an ERA of 3.06. The fair line for Washington is -115, with a negative value of -29%. Colorado, with a win rate of .342, shows a Bet Rating of 1.10, a run margin of -1.6, and C. Quantrill as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 3.43. Colorado’s fair line is 100, with a positive value of 23%. Despite Colorado’s poor win rate, their higher value and fair line make this game a pass due to insufficient strength in indicators.

Chicago White Sox at Detroit (1:10 PM)

Chicago White Sox holds a Bet Rating of 1.62, a win rate of .260, and a negative run margin of -2.1. Their starting pitcher, D. Thorpe, has an ERA of 8.64. The fair line for the White Sox is 136, with a value of 102%. Detroit, with a win rate of .467, has a Bet Rating of 1.09, a run margin of -0.1, and K. Maeda as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 6.02. Detroit’s fair line is -159, with a negative value of -58%. Given the metrics and pitching struggles on both sides, passing on this game is recommended.

Kansas City at Texas (4:05 PM)

Kansas City features a Bet Rating of 0.95, a win rate of .545, and a run margin of 0.7. Their starting pitcher, M. Wacha, has an ERA of 4.24. The fair line for Kansas City is 125, with a value of 8%. Texas, with a win rate of .467, shows a Bet Rating of 1.10, a run margin of -0.2, and J. Gray as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 3.37. Texas’s fair line is -138, with a negative value of -16%. Despite Texas’s better pitching metrics, Kansas City’s overall balanced indicators make them a slight lean on the money line.

Minnesota at Oakland (4:07 PM)

Minnesota enters with a Bet Rating of 1.03, a win rate of .539, and a run margin of 0.2. Their starting pitcher, B. Ober, has an ERA of 4.81. The fair line for Minnesota is -158, with a value of -43%. Oakland, with a win rate of .372, has a Bet Rating of 1.14, a run margin of -1.1, and J. Sears is the starting pitcher with an ERA of 4.25. Oakland’s fair line is 145, with a value of 61%. Despite Oakland’s higher value percentage, Minnesota’s stronger win rate and balanced metrics make them the recommended pick on the money line.

Toronto at Cleveland (4:10 PM)

Toronto has a Bet Rating of 1.12, a win rate of .467, and a run margin of -0.6. Their starting pitcher, J. Berrios, has an ERA of 3.13. The fair line for Toronto is 125, with a value of 52%. Cleveland, with a win rate of .644, shows a Bet Rating of 0.92, a run margin of 1.4, and B. Lively as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 3.02. Cleveland’s fair line is -136, with a negative value of -40%. Given Cleveland’s stronger overall metrics and home-field advantage, a bet on Cleveland on the money line is advised.

Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh (4:10 PM)

Tampa Bay displays a Bet Rating of 1.07, a win rate of .487, and a run margin of -0.8. Their starting pitcher, Z. Eflin, has an ERA of 4.12. The fair line for Tampa Bay is -104, with a value of 1%. Pittsburgh, with a win rate of .480, shows a Bet Rating of 1.02, a run margin of -0.4, and J. Jones is the starting pitcher with an ERA of 3.76. Pittsburgh’s fair line is -105, with a negative value of -10%. Given the balanced metrics, a bet on Tampa Bay is slightly favored due to the slightly better value.

Seattle at Miami (4:10 PM)

Seattle enters with a Bet Rating of 0.97, a win rate of .564, and a run margin of 0.1. Their starting pitcher, L. Gilbert, has an ERA of 2.93. The fair line for Seattle is -170, with a negative value of -56%. Miami, with a win rate of .347, shows a Bet Rating of 1.29, a run margin of -1.5, and S. Anderson as the starting pitcher with an ERA of 31.50. Miami’s fair line is 150, with a value of 100%. Despite Miami’s higher value, Seattle’s stronger overall metrics make them the recommended pick on the money line.

Uncategorized

The Other Jackie Who Made Baseball History

Posted on August 21, 2023 by DDS

Sixteen years before Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier, another Jackie made baseball history by becoming the first—and only—woman to strike out two Major League Hall-of-Famers… or did she?

The early 1930s were tough years in the United States. The country was mired in the Great Depression, which, at its peak in 1932 and 1933, saw one of every four American workers unemployed. Banks failed, life savings were lost, and many Americans were left destitute, homeless, or both.

In an ominous development, Harold Urey discovered heavy hydrogen, later named deuterium, in 1931, providing the blueprint for the atom bomb. Even worse, the original version of “Dracula” hit theatres, laying the groundwork for the “Twilight” series 77 years later.

Amidst this drab backdrop, Joe Engel, a former Major League pitcher and scout, had an idea to brighten the national mood.

After his retirement from baseball, Engel became a promoter known for his outlandish stunts. In 1929, he was appointed the general manager of the Chattanooga Lookouts, a minor league club from Tennessee, and promptly built a new stadium — modestly naming it after himself.

One year, Engel had the team commute to the ballpark on elephants for opening day. He also traded one of his players for a turkey, featured a base-running ostrich in a game, and had canaries singing in the grandstands.

In April of 1931, Engel pulled off what was arguably his greatest promotional stunt ever.

In those days, many Major League Baseball teams would play exhibition games against various opponents to supplement their spring training. These “barnstorming” tours brought top MLB stars to out-of-the-way places like the town of Ash Flat in Arkansas; Brea in California; Brownsville in Pennsylvania; and even Japan.

In the spring of ‘31, few would argue that the two most exciting players in the Major Leagues were Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. Members of the storied New York Yankees, Ruth and Gehrig tied for the league lead with 46 home runs during the regular season, with Gehrig batting three-forty-one (seventh in the league) and Ruth three-fifty-nine (second in the league).

Ruth was also the highest-paid player in Major League Baseball that year, after signing a contract for $80,000 a season (about $1.4 million today) in 1930. When informed he was making more than President Herbert Hoover, Ruth famously quipped, “Why not? I had a better year than he did.”

On April 1, 1931 — a date some don’t think was coincidental — Engel announced a game between the mighty Yankees and his Chattanooga Lookouts.

That wasn’t all. Just a week earlier, Engel had revealed the signing of Beatrice, also known as Jackie, Mitchell — an 18-year-old girl — to face New York’s powerful lineup, aptly nicknamed “Murderer’s Row” due to the potency of their offense.

Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, and Jackie Mitchell

Mitchell, it was discovered, loved the game of baseball and learned how to pitch from her neighbor, future Hall of Fame pitcher Dazzy Vance, when she was just seven years old. According to reports, her secret weapon was a “drop pitch,” a tantalizingly slow sinker.

Newspapers across the country picked up the story, though many were skeptical. They pointed to the date — April Fool’s Day — as a sure sign that Engel was up to his usual tricks. An editor for The Sporting News speculated that “Al Capone or Charlie Chaplin will be catcher.”

Nonetheless, the game was played — albeit not on April 1. Due to inclement weather, the contest was rescheduled for the next day.

When asked by reporters before the game if she was nervous, Mitchell responded: “There is no use to get nervous over a ball game when I have been playing ball nearly all my life. I will just go out there and do my best, and I believe I can fool the Babe.”

With a sellout crowd of 4,000 on hand, 39-year-old Clyde Barfoot took the mound for the Lookouts. Barfoot had spent three years in the Major Leagues with the Saint Louis Cardinals, in 1922 and 1923, and the Detroit Tigers in 1926.

However, after the veteran hurler gave up a double to leadoff hitter Earle Combs and an RBI single to Lyn Larry, Lookouts manager Bert Niehoff walked to the mound and signaled for his teenage phenom to face the heart of the Yankees’ lineup — Ruth and Gehrig.

After powdering her nose (yes, that really happened), Mitchell was ready to face “The Sultan of Swat.”

Ruth gave Mitchell a cordial tip of his cap and “assumed an easy batting stance,” according to a newspaper account. With a side-armed delivery, Mitchell threw her trademark pitch — low for ball one.

Ruth then swung and missed at Mitchell’s second offering, and whiffed on her third pitch too, ordering the umpire to inspect the ball afterward.

The Bambino thought Mitchell’s fourth pitch was wide, so he let it go — and was consequently called out on strikes. Ruth threw his bat to the ground and huffed back to the dugout.

According to cynics, this was another sign that the whole thing was a charade.

“Merely acting,” the Chattanooga News said of Ruth’s “fit.”

“The Babe performed his role very ably,” chimed in the New York Times. “He swung hard at two pitches then demanded that Umpire Owens inspect the ball, just as batters do when utterly baffled by a pitcher’s delivery.”

After her first two pitches missed the mark, Mitchell then fanned Gehrig on three straight pitches.

Following a walk of Tony Lazzeri, Mitchell was removed from the game and Barfoot re-entered the contest, which the Lookouts went on to lose 14-4.

“Evidently,” the Daily Times reported, Niehoff expected Mitchell to “whiff them as fast as they came up.”

Still, the next day, everybody was talking about the “feminine flinger.”

The headline of the New York Times sports page read: “Girl Pitcher Fans Ruth and Gehrig.” In an editorial clearly aimed at Ruth, the paper added: “the prospect grows gloomier for misogynists.” (Ruth was quoted as saying that women “will never make good” in baseball because “they are too delicate. It would kill them to play ball every day.”)

Mitchell became a minor celebrity. Hailed as The Girl Who Struck Out Ruth and Gehrig, she received so many congratulatory letters that her parents had to hire a secretary to answer them all. She was also inundated with offers to pitch in exhibition games and, in fact, spent the next two years touring (with her mother and father in tow).

But was it merely a publicity stunt or did a teenage girl really strike out two Hall of Fame baseball players?

When asked by United Press International reporter Foster Eaton if he struck out on purpose, Ruth wouldn’t discuss it, responding instead with “just a trace of a wry grin,” according to Eaton.

Others were less reticent to share their thoughts.

Official Major League historian John Thorn called it a “stunt,” noting that “Mitchell couldn’t break a pane of glass.”

“[Gehrig] had a sense of humor, and he would go along with Ruth,” Thorn says. “They both liked Engel.”

And speaking of Engel, in a letter to a newspaper columnist 24 years after the fact, he claimed the strikeouts were a sham. “Between you and me, she couldn’t pitch hay to a cow, but she looked mighty pretty in the regulation league uniform I had made for her, and I had a record attendance that day.”

Their teammates had mixed opinions on whether Ruth and Gehrig intentionally whiffed.

Pitcher Lefty Gomez said Yankees manager Joe McCarthy was so competitive that “he wouldn’t have instructed [Ruth and Gehrig] to strike out.”

Third baseman Ben Chapman, who was due to bat when Mitchell was pulled from the game, said he “had no intention of striking out. I planned to hit the ball.” Still, he suspected Ruth and Gehrig were in cahoots. “It was a good promotion, a good show,” he said. “It really packed the house.”

If the strikeouts were planned, Mitchell was not in on the scam. Not long before her death in 1987, she commented: “Why, hell, they were trying, damn right. Hell, better hitters than them couldn’t hit me. Why should they’ve been any different?”

What do you think? Did Beatrice “Jackie” Mitchell really strike out two of the finest hitters Major League Baseball has ever known or was it all an elaborate hoax?

Satire

MLB Steroid Scandal Expands to Fans

Posted on January 14, 2021 by DDS

Just when it looked like the Major League Baseball steroid scandal was in the rearview mirror, MLB sources have reported that yet another investigation into illegal drug activity has been launched. Only this time, the focus of the probe isn’t MLB players, it’s MLB fans.

According to law enforcement officials, the newest fiasco began when Timothy Little, 27, of Brighton, Mass. admitted to federal prosecutors that, from 2000-2004, he and many of his friends — all fans of the Boston Red Sox — began “juicing up” before attending games at Fenway Park.

“We were always hearing about New York fans and Philadelphia fans — how loud and obnoxious they were — and we wanted that same reputation here in Boston,” Little told reporters outside of a Massachusetts courthouse recently. “The trouble is, when you’re small, you don’t intimidate anyone — unless you’re crazy, like Phil Spector or something.

“Before I started doing ‘roids, I remember yelling ‘Jeter you suck’ one time, at the top of my lungs, and he just turned and gave me this pitying smile. I felt like such an idiot,” recalled Little, referring to an incident involving New York Yankees’ all-star shortstop Derek Jeter.

Little said that limited funds kept coveted “designer” steroids reputedly used by Major League Baseball stars like Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and others out of reach, but the 27-year-old noted that he and his buddies had little trouble securing a hodge-podge of cheaper knock-offs.

“We used to just walk the route of the Pro Cycling Tour after it came through Boston — it was amazing how much stuff we found,” beamed Little, “ … a bit of this, a bit of that — before long, we’d have several month’s worth.”

And the results, said Little, were astounding.

“I went from 150 pounds to 210 in three years and I got my revenge on Jeter,” he related with an impish grin. “I’ll never forget. It was Oct. 18, 2004, American League Championship Series, Red Sox down three games to one at Fenway.

“Jeter doubled in the sixth to give New York a 4-2 lead when, miraculously, the Sox tied it in the bottom of the eighth. Then, in the top of the 12^th, Miguel Cairo singles and who’s up? Jeter.”

Little paused, his eyes watering, as the memories came flooding back.

“So I yell, ‘Jeter you suck’ and, just like before, he turns. But this time I reach down, rip off my left testicle and hurl it at him. I miss, of course. I mean, that thing was so small and shriveled I could barely even hold onto it — it’s true what they say, you know — but guess what? Jeter wasn’t smiling. In fact, he wound up lining out that at-bat — and he went just 2-of-10 for the rest of the series.”

Although the Red Sox won the World Series that year, age, wisdom and perhaps a low sperm count have led Little to question his past steroid use.

“Even though I always said I’d give my left nut if the Sox could win the Series, I’m not so sure it was worth it,” he sighed. “Heck, I was shooting up so much back then, I still can’t sit down for longer than 15 minutes. Why do you think all these rabid fans are always standing or doing the wave? Steroids are everywhere.”

Authorities say they are looking into cases of illicit drug use in other Major League cities, but have ruled out investigating fans in Canada and the state of Florida.

“Everybody knows their fans stink, so there’s no point,” one official noted.