Posted in Satire

MLB Steroid Scandal Expands to Fans

Just when it looked like the Major League Baseball steroid scandal was in the rearview mirror, MLB sources have reported that yet another investigation into illegal drug activity has been launched. Only this time, the focus of the probe isn’t MLB players, it’s MLB fans.

According to law enforcement officials, the newest fiasco began when Timothy Little, 27, of Brighton, Mass. admitted to federal prosecutors that, from 2000-2004, he and many of his friends — all fans of the Boston Red Sox — began “juicing up” before attending games at Fenway Park.

“We were always hearing about New York fans and Philadelphia fans — how loud and obnoxious they were — and we wanted that same reputation here in Boston,” Little told reporters outside of a Massachusetts courthouse recently. “The trouble is, when you’re small, you don’t intimidate anyone — unless you’re crazy, like Phil Spector or something.

“Before I started doing ‘roids, I remember yelling ‘Jeter you suck’ one time, at the top of my lungs, and he just turned and gave me this pitying smile. I felt like such an idiot,” recalled Little, referring to an incident involving New York Yankees’ all-star shortstop Derek Jeter.

Little said that limited funds kept coveted “designer” steroids reputedly used by Major League Baseball stars like Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and others out of reach, but the 27-year-old noted that he and his buddies had little trouble securing a hodge-podge of cheaper knock-offs. 

“We used to just walk the route of the Pro Cycling Tour after it came through Boston — it was amazing how much stuff we found,” beamed Little, “ … a bit of this, a bit of that — before long, we’d have several month’s worth.”

And the results, said Little, were astounding.

“I went from 150 pounds to 210 in three years and I got my revenge on Jeter,” he related with an impish grin. “I’ll never forget. It was Oct. 18, 2004, American League Championship Series, Red Sox down three games to one at Fenway.

“Jeter doubled in the sixth to give New York a 4-2 lead when, miraculously, the Sox tied it in the bottom of the eighth. Then, in the top of the 12th, Miguel Cairo singles and who’s up? Jeter.”

Little paused, his eyes watering, as the memories came flooding back.

“So I yell, ‘Jeter you suck’ and, just like before, he turns. But this time I reach down, rip off my left testicle and hurl it at him. I miss, of course. I mean, that thing was so small and shriveled I could barely even hold onto it — it’s true what they say, you know — but guess what? Jeter wasn’t smiling. In fact, he wound up lining out that at-bat — and he went just 2-of-10 for the rest of the series.”

Although the Red Sox won the World Series that year, age, wisdom and perhaps a low sperm count have led Little to question his past steroid use.

“Even though I always said I’d give my left nut if the Sox could win the Series, I’m not so sure it was worth it,” he sighed. “Heck, I was shooting up so much back then, I still can’t sit down for longer than 15 minutes. Why do you think all these rabid fans are always standing or doing the wave? Steroids are everywhere.”

Authorities say they are looking into cases of illicit drug use in other Major League cities, but have ruled out investigating fans in Canada and the state of Florida.

“Everybody knows their fans stink, so there’s no point,” one official noted.

Author:

Residing in Hollywood, Florida, I am a full-time freelance business/sports writer, with published work by Investopedia/Forbes, Motley Fool, CBS Sports, AOL Sports and others.

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